Losing My Religion – A Christian Shares. [@subtle_royalty]

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This piece is for your reading pleasure. It is a first from Blogger Ester Mirembe to be featured here. Let us not waste your time. Read it below.

It’s one of those nights…

I have books am yet to finish but none holds my attention
There’s a game where my team is doing better than they’ve done all season, Martial even scored. I’m not interested.

I just got the latest episodes of my husband’s chivalry. I look at the DVD and put it on the shelf. Not tonight Harvey.

I scroll through instagram, my usual check up once a day after everyone is done with whatever they want to show the world. Same old, same old. Beautiful faces, enviable stories. It’s showbiz. I close.
There’s a new episode of 100 Things to do Before High School on Nickelodeon. Seriously, how do I watch this every day? I reflect, it’s not worth it. Reminding myself how many years ago I should have watched it, I turn out the lights and think to myself ‘Maybe this is the night I’ll heed my mum’s advice’. Early to bed, early to…the saying goes. She always said.

But I toss and turn. No, not in my bed. In my thoughts. There is a song to thank for this unusual behavior.

Loyal’ by Lauren Daigle.

They say the universe and all its entities work together for a purpose.

It’s one of those nights…

The day went on this downward spiral after I heard the song for the first time on The Bridge. My obsession with songs will be the death of M.E. I went looking for it and it has been on repeat since. Reading this didn’t make it any better.
“What I have never seen is darkness being washed away. It’s not a stain. It’s a state.

The kind of fall you are experiencing is not weightless. It’s heavy on the heart. Your heart wants to stop falling but you also don’t want to have a little light save you only to later fall again.”
I have read it over and over again, trying to find a way around it. There must be a way to escape it. Surely.

No. There’s no way. Oblivion is not safe anymore.

I’m broken. Somehow. Somewhere. I lost it. I got so tired of having to be the perfect Christian everyone knew M.E to be, always walking on egg shells. Sometimes faking it. I lost it. So I opted for oblivion, going through the motions. Attending church(till I stopped), pop in for fellowship whenever it’s convenient, family altar ensured I read my Bible daily(whatever I would have become without it), the occasional hurried prayer before bed…

I think I never really believed in music ‘ministering’ to people till today. No, I didn’t raise my hands or close my eyes (carnal M.E) but I know it. There’s a shift in the horizon.

I somehow believe that being raised by strong Christian parents, I can never escape God. He’ll always find a way to make sure that my parents’ prayers for us are answered. I think. Whether that’s the case or not, there’s something that holds M.E there. Even in my oblivion, I knew it. I chose to ignore it but well, here we are… Nothing changed with God. He’s still the same. Such unconditional love pales in comparison to a once close friend who distanced himself because I was no longer ‘religious’ enough. He’s a worship leader. I understand.

But what I certainly understand is being a Christian for show is slow death. It kills you without you realizing. It drains the life out of you and most importantly, you lose it someday. Other people might not see it but alone, you know you are not having the joy of salvation. You know it makes you regret being Christian (and known as so). I’m probably not in the right place to give advice but if you’re in such a place quit the spiritual act. It gets you nowhere. I also know that if I meet the worship leader again, I won’t recommend his friendship so if you’re in a great place with God, be sure to love like Jesus. It helps.

It’s one of those nights…

“I could never earn your heart
I could never reach that far
but you have pulled me close
you never let me go
am safe forever in your arms
your promises I cannot break
and I know you will never change
your love is, your love is, your love is
your love is loyal
your love is, your love is, your love is
your love is loyal
more faithful than the rising sun
this grace for me I can’t outrun
your love is, your love, your love is
your love is loyal
you are always there for me
you listen every time I speak
you look into my eyes see the things I hide, say you’ll never leave…”

Writer: @subtle_royalty
Picture Source: medicolegal.tripod.com

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One response to “Losing My Religion – A Christian Shares. [@subtle_royalty]

  1. The problem is sometimes a Christian will never know they are doing it for show until the fateful day they have to choose between themselves. (Yes. Do what I want. Or do what I want them to see me do right.)

    Like

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